


The Phone Call

by VirtueToMoir (NycterisM)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: AU, F/M, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, h/c
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-03-18 15:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3574109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NycterisM/pseuds/VirtueToMoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tessa was settling into a long night of study complete with coffee and soundtracks. A phone call like this was the last thing on her mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tessa put her full mug of coffee down on the coffee table, careful not to spill it onto her piles of books and course work. She eyed her buzzing phone with curiosity and suspicion. Why was Joe Moir calling her?

Scott’s mother, Alma, called her at least once a week to check in and see how her surrogate daughter was doing. Joe, on the other hand never called her. He was usually content to just receive information from his wife and to give Tessa giant bear hugs whenever he saw her. Tessa could think of only one other time he had called her. It was when she was fifteen and home for a weekend break. He’d called her house looking for her to let her know Scott had jumped out of a tree. He’d landed on his hip which had been badly bruised. Joe had made an executive decision and overruled his son’s enthusiasm for skating. Scott wouldn’t come to practice the next day.

Why was he calling now?

Tessa’s hand shook a little as she reached for her phone. In fear she swiped the screen and lifted it to her ear.

“Hi Joe. H-how are you?” She greeted him and waited.

“Tessa.” Joe grunted and cleared his throat. “Tessa, where are you?”

She looked around her in puzzlement. Had she forgotten to be somewhere? A quick glance at her open diary showed she had no other plans but to study that day.

“At home, in my apartment. Why?”

“Hmm.” She could see Joe frowning and pursing his lips together as he always did when he was serious about something. Like explaining why it wasn’t a good idea for them to jump off the couch into a pile of pillows, no matter how good they thought their balance and aim was at eight and ten years old.

“Is anyone there?” Joe asked. Tessa’s levels of worry were now hovering at the ceiling.

“No, I’m alone. What’s going on, Joe?”

“Oh. Are you sitting down? Can you sit down?” The words came out in a jumbled rush.

Tessa drew in a deep breath.

“Yes, I’m sitting on my sofa. Joe, please. What’s happened?”

“Well. It’s Scott.”

Tessa nodded and blinked back tears. She had no idea what was going on but knew it was bad. Her mind immediately flew to the worst case scenario. Words came chanting like a pleading prayer through her mind. Don’t let him be dead. Don’t let him be dead. Don’t let him be dead. Please. She remained silent and waited for Joe to continue.

“He was in an accident.” Joe drew in a deep breath. “He was driving home for the weekend. A drunk driver ran a red.”

“Oh God, Joe.” Tessa choked out. Tears fell unnoticed down her cheeks. “Is he-? Is he-?” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word.

“He’s fine.” Joe stated and then clarified. “Well, he’s not fine. He’s alive. For now. He’s in surgery.”

Tessa held a hand to her forehead and leant on her knees. The breath she’d been holding left her body, long and shaky.

“Tess?”

“Yes?”

“Can you come?” Hesitation filled his voice and he rushed to explain. “It’s okay if you’re busy with school and you can’t, that’s fine. It’s just, Alma. She needs you.”

Tessa nodded and wiped the tears away from her eyes in determination.

“Yes, yes, of course. Of course, I’ll come.”

Joe gave her the details of the hospital.

“Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Bye, Joe.”

She put the now eerily silent phone back on the coffee table and looked around. Her hands bunched into her top and ran down her hips. What did she need? Far too many thoughts flew through her mind. Tessa tried to push past them and think practically. She grabbed one of her larger bags and started to throw clothes, toiletries, make up, and books inside it.

She didn’t want to have to come back for something pointless so mid-flight she stopped next to her sofa and closed her eyes. She made herself calm down and breathe, one-two in, hold, one-two out. She opened her eyes and looked at her bag. She counted out the items she needed. Phone, purse, keys, extra clothes, oh! Tessa lunged for the papers she’d been working on. She shuffled them into a second bag along with her laptop and power cable. She couldn’t take the books with her but hopefully she wouldn’t need them. They were due back at the college library the next day. She would have to ask someone to deliver them for her.

Actually, no. She could take the books back herself. The library had an afterhours chute. Just to be sure she had all she needed in way of references she quickly took photos of the books and the relevant pages.

A whole hour later Tessa was finally belted into her car and flying down the road towards the college library. She pulled over alongside the curb and scrambled out. Her arms were full of the books which had been so helpful four hours ago and now were an incredible annoyance. She quickly stomped over to the chute and shoved them in. She couldn’t believe she was actually at a library delivering books in the middle of the night when Scott was lying in danger. She had to get to him.

In gratefulness to be at least headed in the right direction, she pulled away from the curb and onto the empty road. That was one thing about driving in the dead of night. There was only one or two other cars to worry about.

She didn’t think of much at all in the two hour drive that seemed to take an eternity. The only thing spinning around her mind was Scott. Was he okay? Was he out of surgery? Where was he hurt? Oh, God, would he be okay? Please, please. What would he look like? Her mind was conjuring up the scariest images it could. Scott covered in blood. Scott in pain. Scott with his body and limbs bent at terrifying angles. Scott.

She let out a strangled cry and brushed the thoughts away from her mind as she brushed at her eyes. No! He’d be fine. He had to be. Oh but, what if he wasn’t?

She reached the outskirts of the London. Surprised to have reached it so soon, she glanced down at her speed. How long had she been going so far above the limit? She pulled back immediately and gave a thankful sigh that no police had seen and stopped her.

At long last she pulled into the carpark of the hospital. She turned the engine off and drew in a calming breath. She could do this. She had to be there for Alma. She had to be strong.

A quick glance at herself in the mirror revealed her red eyes and pale face. She brushed again at her eyes. She hadn’t bothered to reapply her make up after cleaning her face prior to leaving her house. It had been a good call. While she looked terrible, at least she didn’t have watery black marks around her eyes.

Grabbing her bag, she climbed out of the car and mindlessly locked it. The bitumen of the carpark gave way to a tiled walkway and finally the cold polished floor of the hospital.

It was quiet. Only a few uniformed cleaners shuffled around and the receptionist with short dark curly hair and glasses on a chain tapped on her keyboard.

Tessa walked over and stood in front of the desk. She waited a moment for the woman to notice her. After a few seconds the woman looked up and over her glasses. She raised an eyebrow at Tessa.

“Yes?”

Tessa was a little thrown by the woman’s coldness but stood straighter and asked for the necessary information.

“I’m looking for Scott Moir. Is he still in surgery?”

The woman eyed her with suspicion.

“It’s after visiting hours.” She pointed to the visiting hours sign to her right for emphasis. “And we don’t give that sort of information out to non-family members.” She looked Tessa up and down. “Are you a family member?”

Tessa was thrown. They got questions like this all the time and never knew quite how to explain their relationship. Why didn’t she have an answer now? The answer should have been so simple yet was so difficult. And it was all that was standing between her and Scott.

“Yes. No. Sort of? He’s my partner.”

The woman hummed. She considered Tessa for a moment. Then, having decided, she turned to the computer with the speed of a snail and pulled up Scott’s details.

“He’s out of surgery. He’s in the ICU. Room seven oh five.” Something concerning had flickered across the woman’s face, but Tessa didn’t want to wait to find out what had caused it.

“Thank you, so much!” She flashed the woman a big smile and walked off.

“Miss!” The woman called after her.

Tessa spun on the ball of her foot to face back at the desk.

“That way.” The woman thumbed down a different corridor to the one Tessa was heading down.

“Oh, thank you!” Tessa smiled at her again and took off down the correct corridor.

After a long and confusing search, Tessa finally stood before the door of the right room. She couldn’t see Scott through the glass window. While the bed would normally be in full view of any doctors or nurses walking past and glancing in, the people in the room blocked her view of the one person she was desperate to see.

She could see Alma sitting beside the bed. She was bent towards it, concern all over her face. Joe stood behind her, one hand rubbing her shoulder. Scott’s older brother, Danny stood, feet apart and arms folded across his chest like a sentinel at the foot of the bed. It was he who blocked her view the most. On the opposite side of the bed sat Julianne, Scott’s girlfriend. She stared at the bed and bit her lower lip. They hadn’t met yet, but Tessa recognised her from a picture Scott had once shown her.

Tessa softly tapped the door and Joe turned to see her. He marched over, yanked the door open and with a firm grip pulled her inside and into a hug.

“You made good time.” He commented and patted her shoulder.

“Tessa!” Alma’s voice was croaky as though she had been crying for too long, which she most likely had been, given the evidence of her eyes.

Joe released Tessa to Alma who hugged her around her shoulders. Tessa wound her arms about the woman’s waist and lay her chin on her shoulder. She closed her eyes and sank into the hug, she would hold on for as long as Alma needed.

Alma began to shake and cry into Tessa’s neck. Her hands alternately rubbed and gripped at Tessa’s back. Tessa smoothed her hands over her and rocked gently. The tears she’d thought were done sprang back to her eyes now she had Scott’s mother in her arms. This was becoming too real. All the drive here and searching the hospital she could push the reality away somewhat. Even though her mind had been spinning with possibilities, that’s all they had been, possibilities. There was always a part of her that felt he was fine and healthy and happy somewhere. But now, all her speculation was transforming into solid truth.

Danny moved closer to his mother and Tessa. He patted both their backs in a gruff attempt at comfort. Tessa looked up at him and gave him a small encouraging smile. She let her eyes fall away from Danny’s and froze.

Danny had moved out of the way and given her a clear line of sight to the bed. The bed and Scott. Tessa stopped rubbing Alma and stared in horror. Her strong, vibrant partner lay so still and white amongst the stark bedding.

There were wires and tubes all over him. They crawled from his body to machines that beeped. Scratches covered his face and one large bruise lay on his cheek. His hair was messy but looked like someone had tried to smooth it into place. Tessa suspected Alma. The sheets covered him up to his chin so she couldn’t see what was going on beneath, but she didn’t like the tubes that wound out from under them.

“Tessa?” Alma asked softly. She’d felt her body still and moved around to Tessa’s side, keeping an arm about her waist.

“Yes?” Tessa asked politely. Her eyes still fixed on Scott.

“He’s going to be fine.” Alma rubbed her arm. “They’re just keeping him in the ICU overnight to keep an eye on him. It was a big operation and they just want to make sure. They say they’ll move him to a normal ward, probably tomorrow. They want him to wake up first. But he should do that in a bit.”

Tessa nodded and swallowed. Alma handed her a tissue from a nearly depleted box. Tessa accepted and held it in her hand. Her attention so fully on Scott’s face that she didn’t realise the reason Alma had given her the tissue was the tears pouring unchecked over her cheeks. Alma changed tactic and wiped at Tessa’s face herself. She took her hand and led her to the chair she’d vacated on Tessa’s arrival.

Tessa sat in unconscious obedience.

Alma reached down and drew back the bedsheets a little. Scott’s hand lay beneath. She pulled it out and placed it palm down on top of the covers at his side.

Tessa stared at the hand. So familiar, a hand she knew as well as, if not better than her own. Now it had a needle inside it, covered with tape. A long tube left the needle and travelled away from the bed. Her fingers itched to touch him. She clenched her hands in her lap.

“It’s okay. You can do it.” Alma patted her shoulder and pulled one of Tessa’s hands up to the bed.

Tessa nodded. She slide her hand towards his and then under it. His fingers, his palm. She moved her hand up until she gripped the underside of his wrist. Then slowly she moved it back down until their hands were palm to palm. She curled her hand under his and around his thumb. Her fingers stroked the inside of his wrist and the outside of his hand, as far as she could reach.

His hand, normally so strong around hers, lay boneless and weak. She cradled it and bit her bottom lip in an effort to hold back more tears.

“Hmm.” Alma patted Tessa’s arm encouragingly.

“Did they say when he would wake up?” Tessa asked

“They aren’t sure but they think by tomorrow.” The unfamiliar voice came from across the bed. Tessa looked up and met Julianne’s eyes for the first time.

Julianne was a petite girl with a sweet heart-shaped face. Her dark hair fell in perfect waves down about her shoulders. She couldn’t look more like a doll if she tried. She smiled at Tessa.

Tessa smiled back with as much strength as she could muster for a stranger in the present situation. She reached across the bed with the hand that wasn’t attached to Scott’s and said, “I’m Tessa. It’s nice to meet you.”

Julianne took her hand and said, “I’m Julianne, and likewise.”

It wasn’t the most awkward meeting she’d ever had with one of Scott’s girlfriends but it was the most horrible reason for meeting one of them. Even so, Julianne seemed nice enough. She gave Tessa a warm smile and sat back down in her chair.

There was a sharp knock and the door swung open to let in two men. The older appeared to be a doctor and the younger, a nurse.

The doctor cleared his throat. “I’m Doctor Shaw, and this is Nurse Thompson. Just here to do a couple of quick checks.”

The nurse made his way around the people in the room and over to the machines and began to press buttons Tessa wasn’t sure should be pressed, though she supposed he knew what he was doing. The doctor picked up Scott’s chart from its plastic holder on the foot of the bed.

Danny peered over the doctor’s shoulder. “What does that mean?” He pointed to a series of numbers.

Doctor Shaw eyed him with slight irritation. “It’s nothing to worry about. All perfectly normal.” He looked about noticing the number of people in the small room. “Look, I’m sorry, but you can’t all stay in here. The ICU has an open visiting hours policy but we can only have two of you in here at any one time. The rest of you need to find somewhere else to wait.”

“Well.” Joe began as Danny stepped away from the doctor. The nurse returned to the doctor’s side and scribbled a few numbers and notes on the chart.

“Everything seems to be in order.” Doctor Shaw closed the chart and let it fall back into its holder. Nurse Thompson gave everyone a warm smile which seemed to make up for the gruffness of the other man. “We’ll check in again later.”

They’d almost made it out the door when the doctor turned back and eyeballed Joe. “See you get these visitors straightened out.” Then they were gone and off to the next room.

Joe looked at each of them. “Well, who’s going to stay and who will leave for now?”

No one said anything for a moment.

“I could-“ Tessa stood, still holding Scott’s hand.

“Oh no!” Alma shook her head in alarm. “Joe!”

Joe nodded and hummed. “No, Tess. You just got here, you stay put for now.” He looked at Alma and Julianne. “Julianne, how about we three go find some coffee? Alma you take the other chair.”

Julianne nodded in agreement. She gathered her bag as she rose and headed towards Joe and Danny. Alma thanked her with a quick shoulder squeeze. The three left, debating 24 hour coffee possibilities.

Then it was quiet. Tessa and Alma sat in companionable silence on either side of Scott. Each held one of his hands while only strange soft sounds of whirring and beeping filled the void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I said I'd continue Snowball. I still plan on doing that, but this just gripped me and wouldn't let go. I plan on continuing this one as well.
> 
> Also, I'm Australian. I've tried to write in a way that stays true to Canada but my abilities in that regard are rather limited. if you spot something distinctly un-Canadian, feel free to let me know. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a long night. The longest Tessa could recall. That included the nights spent waiting to compete the following day. That included the Olympics. Nothing close came to this night spent pacing and wandering the dim ICU of the hospital waiting for Scott to wake.

‘He should wake soon.’

 _Soon_. It was such a horrible word. It gave very little in the way of an actual time frame. Would soon be in a minute? In an hour? A week?

Soon.

Tessa sincerely hoped she’d never hear the word again.

She hated having nothing to do but wait. Nothing to do but hope. There had to be something she could do. Alma had certainly hoped there was. She’d expected it. Her face had fallen so far when Tessa had taken Scott’s hand and he hadn’t woken. Nothing had happened. He continued to sleep like a stone. Alma’s disappointment and confusion had been palpable.

Later as Tessa had relinquished her seat to Julianne she’d seen Joe hug Alma in the soft light of the corridor.

“I was so sure.” Alma had choked into Joe’s chest.

“Shh. I know.” He patted and rubbed her back.

Tessa hung her head and walked in the opposite direction to the lounge area. Giant green couches and large pot plants offered a place of sanctuary. She was so sorry she hadn’t been able to give Alma and Joe what they wanted. She was sorry to her soul that she hadn’t had the ability to wake him. Her core cried out at the inadequacy. No sliver of reasonable truth, that this was an impossible ask, entered her mind. All she felt was the failure.

She tried different things to keep her mind from diving into the endless eddies of worry and fear. She pulled her notes and laptop from her satchel and tried to finish up her essay. Just this one last essay and she could forget about school for a while.

It worked. For a minute before her mind wandered again and her eyes unfocused from the words on the page. She shook her head and glared down at her notes and the quotes she had been organising into the essay.

 _Unexpressed emotions will never die_. – Sigmund Freud.

Oh who cares? What would Freud know anyway? Unexpressed emotions should stay that way for good reasons. Tessa shoved her notes aside and half stomped to the counter offering coffee making facilities. She pulled down one of the far too small white paper cups and began the mindless motions of making the hot drink.

There was one emotion she knew Freud would frown at her for ignoring. One that she could express but had been trying to avoid. She’d been avoiding it for a good reason, or so she thought. They both needed this time apart.

But there was a simple truth that nagged at her constantly.

She missed him.

People, like her mother, had constantly been telling her that this time apart would be good for them. They would be able to grow as separate people in a way they hadn’t had the opportunity to do before. Their lives had been so intricately entwined around each other.

The thing was Tessa didn’t know if she wanted that. Even with all the possibilities to embrace and experience, like going to college, it had sounded horrible. She could imagine herself doing happy and exciting things. Walking down an autumn leaf strewn avenue on her way to class while she clutched a hot hazelnut latte and snuggled into her knitted scarf. She would wear a cute tartan skirt and black boots on her stocking clad feet instead of skates. Over her shoulder would be a satchel full of her books and laptop, not a gym bag with towels and changes of clothes. She could imagine all of this and she loved it.

Then, every time her daydream reached this point, she would brush the tangles of hair the autumn wind had tugged loose from her messy bun away from her face and look to her left. And there he would be. Clothed in jeans and the charcoal knitted sweater she would buy him, his own bag slung over his shoulder and his own straight black coffee warming his hands. He would be laughing about something his teacher or classmates had done. He would grin at her and make her giggle.

But her mother had said ‘apart’. She would be in this chilly avenue with all of its colours, but he would not. Next to her would be no one. A great absence where someone hugely important was meant to be. Like a large and looming hole in the universe it would float alongside her, always there, always taunting her with who it was not. But being apart was good for them so she had done her best to ignore the gaping absence and to push the longing deep down within herself.

And now, now he lay so still and lifeless in the room down the hall. What if complications came up? What if he never woke? What if he left her for good? Completely. Gone.

Tessa’s hands shook as she threw the wooden stirrer into the rubbish.

“I can’t do this.” She said under her breath. “I can’t.” The word came out in a whisper and held her throat in a strangle hold.

You can. You have to. The thoughts insisted to her frightened mind. She drew in a deep stilling breath.

“I can. I have to.” She told the paper coffee cup and its ugly brown liquid insides.

“Sure you can.” Danny leant past her to grab a cup of his own from the dispenser. Tessa leapt to the side away from him, almost spilling her coffee that was, thankfully, still on the bench.

“What can’t you do, T?” Danny asked, starting to spoon the instant coffee into his cup.

Tessa’s heart drew closer to its usual rhythm. She gave him a soft glare.

“Make coffee.” She lied. She reached in front of him for her cup and walked back to the small lounge area they had all moved into the night before and claimed as their own.

Tessa walked to the wide green couch she had come from. The couches were strewn with floral cushions and were large in every dimension. They were so wide that she had to either sit away from the back, slouch back down on it, or curl her feet up under her. Tessa supposed they were nice and welcoming for everyone and as long as the hospital didn’t have a problem with her feet on the seats then she didn’t think she could complain that they weren’t that helpful for essay writing.

Slipping her ballet flats off her feet she folded her legs encased in denim up onto the couch and sat, leaning into the back. Her notes and laptop were spread on the couch next to her. She sighed and started to sip the terrible coffee. It was better than nothing and no part of her wanted to leave and find better.

Danny nudged her bent knee with his and sat next to her. He mostly fit the couch. It was a perfect couch for someone like Danny who immediately spread in all directions. Long legs spread wide and lazed out over the floor. His back met the back of the chair and his one arm spread along it, turning his body towards Tessa.

“Come on, T. What’s up?” Danny had the distinct air of a man who wanted a problem to fix but did not want to see a girl cry.

Danny had been doing this since they were kids.

 

Tessa remembered one summer day when she and Scott had been racing each other along the long Moir veranda. She would swear Scott had cheated by leaping over the footrest instead of running around the obstacle but he’d been so funny about it, she’d forgiven him on the spot. And then tripped over her shoelaces and hit her knee hard into the steel and glass coffee table. Her cries had brought Danny running from inside.

“What have you been doing?!” His roar had mostly been directed at Scott.

Scott who had been fussing over her from the second she’d hit the ground waved his hands at his older brother.

“I didn’t! We didn’t. We were just playing.” His tone desperate to avoid punishment.

“It’s true. It was an accident. I tripped.” Tessa nodded in agreement. She tried to hide the tears that had sprung to her eyes from the pain. “It was my fault.”

“You know you’re not meant to run on the veranda. There are too many things to fall over.” Danny waved his hand over Tessa to prove his point. “Next time take it to the yard, eh?”

Scott nodded an exaggerated promise.

“Alright. Come on then.” Danny lifted Tessa till she was standing. “Can you walk?”

She ignored the pain that gripped her knee and stood in determination, her chin high in the air.

“Alright then.” Danny nodded. “I think it’s just a bruise. Maybe you should both play quietly for a little while.”

Both younger children agreed and Danny led Tessa to the veranda sofa. He went back inside to return to the task from which he’d been interrupted. He muttered about kids being stupid as he went.

Forgetting his promise, Scott ran inside and was out again in a couple of seconds. His arms were now full of books. He sat next to Tessa and began to read to her about goblins and fairies. Tessa smiled and lay her head on his shoulder to watch the pictures.

 

Danny patted her knee and pulled her from the memory.

“Come on, Tess. Let me have it. What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing really.” Tessa sighed and stared sightless at the foreboding brown liquid in her white paper cup. Danny waited in silence for her to continue. “It’s just- this. This whole thing.”

The explanation was missing a few words, but Danny nodded in understanding.

“I know.”

“It shouldn’t have happened. Scott’s never the one to get hurt. At least not badly.” She ended under her breath with a soft. “It should be me.”

“Well, that’s just not true. And you know it, Tessa.” Danny folded his arms over his chest. “It was an accident. Wrong time, wrong place sort of thing.”

Tessa didn’t respond as he wanted. She remained still, staring at the cooling brown liquid.

“Tessa.” He called, reaching through the fog that shrouded her mind in guilt, sadness, and fear. She raised her eyes to meet his for a moment before dropping them again.

“There is no way it should have been either one of you.” His voice was solid and warned no debate would be tolerated.

Tessa nodded a little. She knew he was right. Her head knew. Her heart required more convincing. She was the one experienced with hospitals and surgeries. She should be in the bed. Not him. Not Scott who should always be laughing and jumping through life.

“Tessa, say you understand.”

She glanced at Danny who was watching her carefully.

“Say it.”

“I understand.” She repeated. Her lack of feeling didn’t convince him.

“Say neither of you should be in that bed.”

“Neither of us should be in that-.” Her quiet voice broke on the final word. “Bed.” Tears filled her eyes and she fought to contain them. She stared at her cup which now shook precariously in her hands. She knew Danny didn’t want her crying. She didn’t want herself to be crying.

With one hand she pushed at the tears on her cheeks. Danny took the cup from her other hand. He leant forward and placed it safely on the coffee table. Sitting up straighter he pulled her along the couch and into his arms.

“Come on, honey. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” His hands rubbed at her back and shoulders as she gave way under the onslaught and sobbed into his blue striped t-shirt.

“S-sorry.” She mumbled into his shirt between sobs.

“It’s okay. It’s fine.” He patted her shoulder. “You should let it out, Tessa.” Even if he didn’t particularly want to be the one she cried against, he knew that crying was somehow good for her.

 _Let it out_. Tessa almost laughed at the futility of that. Yesterday, with one phone call, the large dark hole that had been floating beside her had climbed inside her and settled itself in her stomach and throat. Hard, dark, and seething. There was only one way it would shift. And even then she knew it would only leave her body to resume its horrible floating presence beside her.

Tessa drew in deep stabilising breaths and sat up.  She wiped the tears from her eyes and gave Danny a small smile in thanks for his efforts.

She reached for her coffee cup once more and used the horrible taste that was somehow simultaneously bitter and sweet to pull herself together again. How the coffee company had managed this feat was astounding to her. Contemplating the ins and outs of bad hospital coffee was infinitely preferable to her than anything else right now. Danny slouched down further and leaned his head back on the large couch. He stared out the floor to ceiling window opposite them. They drank in silence.

Feet came running down the hall.

Tessa turned towards the sound as Julianne, her doll face lit by a giant grin, came into view from around the pot plant that was taller than she was.

Julianne leant between them against the back of the couch and announced her news.

“He’s waking up!”

Tessa and Danny both half placed half flung their nearly empty cups on the coffee table and ran around the couch. They followed Julianne back down the corridor and into Scott’s room.

Alma and Joe already sat on each side of him. They each held one of his hands. Alma had hers raised to her heart. Joe more calmly gripped his against the bed.

Scott’s eyes were still closed but he was indeed stirring. They were small movements but they were there. His head shifted a little and then stopped. His audience held their breaths.

“Scott?” Alma called to him. “Honey, it’s time to wake up.”

Scott did nothing in response.

Then one by one tears escaped his closed eyelids and rolled down the scratches on his cheeks. Tessa longed to stop them. To protect the scratches and bruise from the salt water that must be irritating them. Why was he crying? Nothing about this seemed right. She was grateful when Alma pulled out a tissue and dabbed at the tears.

“What- what’s happening?” Alma sat back and looked at each of the others for answers they couldn’t give her.

Joe behind him, “Julianne, did you let the doctor know?”

Julianne gasped, jumped, and ran out the door. She’d forgotten that part of her instructions. Everyone had forgotten they had a button for that purpose.

Scott moaned and regained everyone’s attention. His mouth began to move, forming words they couldn’t hear.

Joe leaned closer, placing his ear over Scott’s mouth.

He leaned back again, his eyes wide. A ghost of a smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. He looked at Tessa.

“What? What Joe? What did he say?” Alma urged.

“He-.” Joe began but was cut off by Scott giving the answer himself. His voice now just loud enough for them to hear.

He spoke the first syllable on an inhale. “Te-.” After a beat it was followed by an exhale and the rest of the word. “-ssa.”

“Did he just-?” Danny asked and looked at Tessa who was staring at her partner. Her eyes were wide and her mouth hung open a little. She bit the inside of her lips together and watched him in fascination.

Scott continued to breathe her name. In. “Te-.” Out. “-ssa.” In. “Te-.” Out. “-ssa.” Tears continued to escape his eyes.

“Tessa. Tessa.” Joe stood and reached for her. He pulled her to his chair and pushed her into it. He shoved Scott’s hand into hers and she gripped it like a lifeline, careful not to jostle the needle.

With her hands around his, Scott fell silent. His head moved to lean towards her and he stilled, appearing for all the world to be deep asleep again.

“Scott? Scott?” Alma called. She patted his hand. “Come on, honey, wake up.”

He didn’t wake.

Tessa let go of his hand, think perhaps somehow she had caused his relapse into sleep. Scott frowned. Tessa picked his hand up again and his brow smoothed.

“Well you’re not going anywhere anytime soon.” Danny, full of helpfulness, tried to alleviate the tensions and disappointment in the room.

The door opened and Julianne flew back in with the doctor from hours earlier on her heels.

“What have I told you people?” Doctor Shaw grumbled. “All but two, out!”

Tessa and Alma stayed where they were waved down by Joe and Danny who then hustled Julianne back out as she questioned them as to what had happened in her absence.

The Doctor inspected the chart and the equipment before turning to Scott. He lifted his eyelids and shone a pen light into his eyes.

“Hmm. Yes. Yes.” Doctor Shaw returned to the chart.

“Is he okay? Is he waking up?” Alma demanded to know.

“Yes, yes. He’s fine.” Doctor Shaw shoved his pen back in his pocket. “He’s woken up.”

“But.” Tessa began. Clearly Scott was asleep again and he hadn’t even opened his eyes.

“Yes. He’s just sleeping normally now. He’ll wake up anytime. When he’s ready I expect. We’ll see about moving him to another ward. He doesn’t need to be here anymore.”

The Doctor left and strode down the corridor bellowing, “Marcus!” He’d been called up on his habit of yelling for interns and nurses. His response had simply been that those patients still asleep didn’t care and the ones waking up could use a good jolt into reality. The possibility of disrespect to the nurses and interns didn’t enter his mind.

Scott gave a long snore followed by a short cough.

Alma and Tessa looked at each other and both burst into relieved laughter over the sleeping man.

When Joe, Danny, and Julianne cautiously crept back in they found Alma and Tessa in hysterics. Giggles wracked their bodies as they wiped away tears and tried to speak. Slowly they pulled themselves together and calmed down.

“Well.” Joe cleared his throat.

Alma and Tessa looked at each other and fell apart again.

“I guess this is good news.” Danny offered.

Joe nodded, “Guess so.”

They had just about crawled their way back to sense when Scott gave another loud snore and set them off again.

Eventually they calmed enough, and through a concentrated effort of not looking at each other, they managed to relay the information about Scott’s condition to the others.

Doctor Shaw returned, the hapless intern Marcus in tow along with a couple of nurses. Danny, Joe, and Julianne fled outside again. Together Marcus and the nurses set about shifting Scott onto a gurney for the trip to his new room.

“You’re going to have to let go.” Doctor Shaw said pointedly at Tessa.

“Oh, but if he gets upset if I do.” Tessa tried to explain.

She was gifted with a rueful stare. “He’ll be fine. We haven’t lost a patient yet from an inability to hold his girlfriend’s hand for a few minutes.”

“Oh, I’m not-.” Tessa began. Doctor Shaw frowned at her, the distinct air of ‘I don’t care’ floated around him like a cloud.

Tessa let go of Scott’s hand and stepped back. To prove her point Scott immediately frowned and gave what could only be described as a sleepy growl.

One of the nurses snorted her amusement, earning her a glare from the Doctor.

Tessa folded her arms and waited till she was allowed to take his hand again.

Scott slept all the way to his new room, ignorant of the entourage of family, friends, and medical staff that followed him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've done a bit of research here, but I'm far from knowledgeable about these sorts of things. If any of you are and there are glaring medical mistakes feel free to let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

The wind teased at her hair, tugging it and streaming it behind her. She laughed, delight filling her whole body from her toes to her head. She was wearing her pyjamas, but not her usual ones, the ones from when she was seven. Pink and fluffy with tiny unicorns on them, they were small and the waist was a little tight, but somehow they still fit her okay.

She couldn’t see much. A thick white mist blocked her view. The hand around hers was warm though, so despite the cold wet whiteness she felt warm and safe. She was weightless and her limbs were heavy, nothing touched her but the warm hand entwined with hers. She knew she should be afraid. So afraid of falling or of colliding with something in this blinding mist. Yet fear was the furthest thing from her mind. Nothing as horrible as fear could pierce the delicious peace and joy flowing through her. She wanted to laugh. She could feel the bubbles welling up from within her.

The hand tugged on hers and she floated closer to the body it was attached to. The mist between them lessened and she could see Scott’s mischievous eyes grinning at her. He pulled her close and transferred her hand to his other, looping an arm around her waist. Tessa squeezed his hand tighter and giggled.

Grinning at each other as they were, they didn’t notice the mist dissipating. Soon there was nothing holding them aloft and they plummeted towards the distant ground. Green and blue and gold and tiny farm houses hurtled towards them. Tessa screamed and screamed, her cries carried silently away by the wind. She twisted and gripped him tight as she wound her arms about him and held on for dear life. He held her close and she ducked her head into his neck as he looked ahead.

They bounced into another cloud and lay still holding each other and gasping for air. She could feel the laughter building within his chest before it erupted in loud guffaws and he rocked her in his mirth. She joined him, happiness and laughter overtaking her.

“Tessa.”

His expression grew serious.

“Tessa!”

The dream withdrew from her mind and left her sitting by his bedside, her arms and head stretched over him on the bed. She lifted her head, a sleepy grin gracing her lips.

“You’re awake!” She beamed at him.

He lay still against the pillows. His head was twisted around towards her and his neck craned.

“Tessa. Get up.” His voice was cold and threaded with panic.

“What?”

“Get up! Get off me!”

She sat up, hurt, and frowned at him.

“You don’t have to –.” She began to reprimand him and stopped. It was then she realised he wasn’t looking at her. He was staring at her arm that still lay across his legs.

The panic and fear in his eyes filled her with concern.

“What is it?”

“Just move.”

He reached out and shoved at her shoulder, rougher than he would have meant to, had he been thinking of her at all in that moment.

Tessa sat back and placed her hands safely in her lap.

“What is it?”

Scott still hadn’t shifted his gaze from where her arm had been.

“Nothing.” He gave her a weak and incredibly unconvincing smile. “Can you just get my Mom?”

Tessa swallowed and nodded.

“Okay.”

She stood and patted his leg. Pain flew through his eyes.

“Sorry.”

She fled the room.

 

* * *

 

Danny paced, pausing to stop and glare at the door through which Alma, Joe, a doctor, and two nurses had disappeared several minutes ago. Julianne sat on one of the benches in the corridor. She bent forward and let her handbag swing between her legs. She watched it swing back and forth.

Tessa stood near the large windows, her nails pressed into her palms. Light streamed past her into the corridor, but she was only interested in the faint light she could see under Scott’s door. What were they doing? What was taking so long? Something was wrong. Very wrong. She could feel it. Like a clawing animal rolling around in her stomach and reaching up her throat to choke her.

A thought occurred to her and she voiced it. In a strange way this felt like helping, offering reprieves or something. And helping Danny felt strangely like helping Scott.

“Do you need to be at work?” She asked, her voice strained.

Both he and Julianne looked at her in surprise. Danny shook his head.

“Took the day off.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Tessa’s mind buzzed with other questions. What about his kids? Where was his wife? But she supposed he had it all under control and she fell quiet once more.

She wished there was something she could do. Should she organise a schedule of people coming to the hospital? No. At least not yet. They didn’t even know how long he would be in here.

If only they could know something! She was itching to see him. And not the pleasant sort of itch that could be dealt with by a swift scratch. The sort of deep itch that demanded to be satisfied and once you rubbed at it it would jump somewhere else on your skin until you felt like you were going mad with the need to scratch it away.

The look on his face, the sound of his voice, as he’d told her to leave was burned into her memory. What had she done? Had she done something wrong? She couldn’t think of anything. Why would lying near him be wrong? He’d never had a problem with that before. He flopped himself over her all the time.

The door opened with a soft creak and all three waiting flew to their feet. The doctor and one of the nurses walked out, the other remained behind. The two largely ignored the small group and left down the hall carrying notes and a tray or box of some sort. Tessa couldn’t see what was inside. Was it blood? She hoped they hadn’t had to take his blood. Scott hated needles. Hated them so much he had demanded a tooth extraction with no anaesthetic once.

Alma and Joe followed the medical staff into the corridor. Joe’s brow was creased in a frown and he looked as though he were pondering the fate of the world. Alma smiled at them all as gently as she could manage, though Tessa could see she was fighting the urge to fall apart.

“Julianne.” Alma nodded to the girl and motioned for her to pass behind them. “He wants to see you, honey.”

“Oh okay. Thank you, Mrs Moir.” Julianne smiled politely and gripped her handbag close as she entered the room with a bright ‘hi’ and closed the door behind herself.

Tessa gave her heart a firm talking to and told it to calm the hell down. It was all sorts of hurt and wanting to sit, sob in the corner, and tear something into little pieces. Of course he wanted to see Julianne. She’s his girlfriend. He’ll see you later. Just calm down. Don’t worry.

Don’t worry. Pfft. Like that was going to be anymore possible than calming down. Tessa forced her lungs to take breaths, slow and deep.

Alma motioned to Danny and Tessa and they gathered in a group to the side of the corridor, out of the way of hospital traffic.

She looked at Joe who nodded for her to start. He’d jump in if the explanation got too much for her or if she missed anything he felt was relevant.

“Okay.” Alma reached to hold one of Tessa’s and one of Danny’s hands. She gave them a squeeze and let them fall. “Scott was in an accident.” They nodded. “Oh, right. You know that.” She moved forward along the sequence of events in her mind before speaking again.

“Well we think it was because there was a plank of wood in the back of his car when the other car hit his.” She fell quiet.

“What was?” Danny demanded, growing more impatient with his mother’s explanation. Tessa couldn’t help but agree and squeezed Alma’s hand.

“Sorry?” Alma looked puzzled, uncertain where she’d forgotten to include the information.

Joe crossed his arms high on his chest and took over with a gruff frown. “There’s been some sort of damage to his spine.” Tessa’s eyes flew wide as he continued. “Right now, he’s paralysed from here down.” Joe pointed to a spot on his own pelvis and waved toward his feet.

Tessa felt the air retreat from the corridor and grow cold.

Paralysed. The word repeated itself over and over in her mind. Scott. Paralysed. Her usually frantic mind was silent and she could think of nothing else but those two words. There was nothing beyond them. No plans. No action to take. Nothing to do.

It wasn’t until the door to Scott’s room opened again and Julianne exited with her head bowed that Tessa realised she was sitting down. Alma was next to her on the bench and patting her shoulder. She had no recollection of sitting or being sat, but here she was.

Julianne looked up at them all and covered her mouth with her hand as she let out a quiet choked cry. She mumbled, “I’m sorry.” And walked away down the corridor in a near run.

“No.” Tessa whispered. She leapt from her chair and pushed past Alma and Joe. Whether you were allowed to run in hospitals or not, she didn’t care. She flew after Julianne. She couldn’t leave! He needed her.

Catching up to her near the elevators, she did her best to make her demand as polite and gentle as possible when all she wanted to do was drag the girl back and make her sit at his bedside.

“Where are you going?”

Julianne wiped under her eyes, avoiding the wet mascara that clung to her lashes.

“He doesn’t want me.” She mumbled.

“What do you mean? Of course he wants you around.”

“No.” Julianne shook her head and sniffled. “He told me to leave.”

“He said that to me too. He doesn’t mean it.” Tessa reached toward her, begging her to understand. Scott was always a bit dramatic, saying things he didn’t mean and wishing them unsaid a moment later.

“No. You don’t understand.” Julianne looked from the marbled floor to the elevator. “He broke up with me.”

“Oh.” Tessa frowned a little. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He probably wishes he didn’t already.”

“I don’t think so.” Julianne shook her head. “He was pretty calm and serious about it. All, ‘It’s been great, Julianne, but we need to stop now.’”

“Oh.” Tessa hung her head. That did sound more like him when he’d thought something through.

“It’s okay. I’ll be okay.” Julianne smiled and nodded as best she could. “I always knew he wasn’t mine forever anyway.”

“What? But…”

“Oh.” Julianne ignored the fact that they’d only met the night before and reached to pull Tessa into a hug. Tessa fluttered her hands at the girl’s sides, unsure how to hug her back or what. “He loves you, you know?”

“I know.” Tessa nodded against Julianne’s shoulder.

“No.” Julianne stepped away, held Tessa’s shoulders and looked directly at her. “He loves you.”

Oh. She was meaning that. “No, no. We’re just good friends.” The tried and true response spilled from her lips.

Julianne rolled her eyes and she dropped her hands. “You’ll figure it out one day.”

Then as the elevator dinged and the doors slid open, she stepped inside. Turning to press the button to the lobby, she lifted her hand in a weak wave to Tessa and let it fall. She smiled sadly, “Bye.”

“Bye.” Tessa automatically returned the wave as the elevator closed and Julianne was gone.

 

* * *

 

Tessa walked back toward the others. Her feet felt like she was wearing stone shoes, each step more of a slow shuffle. As she drew near them, Alma reached for her and slipped an arm around her waist. She hugged her close, only a sad smile acknowledging that she knew what had just transpired between Tessa and Julianne, and Scott. She smoothed a stray hair back off Tessa’s face and squeezed her again.

Tessa hugged her back and lay the side of her head on Alma’s shoulder. Everyone’s hugs were different. Alma’s were always oddly renewing and supportive. Similar to Scott’s but different in that Alma was slightly shorter than Tessa was, and also a middle aged woman instead of an elite athlete man. It made her softer, cuddlier, and Tessa loved her hugs. She’d never tell her those reasons, though.

She also appreciated that Alma’s hugs would last as long as she wanted them too. No swift squeeze and release, unless that was what was needed, of course. Tessa knew she was welcome to leave her arms around the woman for ages. And right now she could sense that Alma, too, needed to hug her.

Tessa thought back over the information they’d given her so far and something stood out.

“Joe?” Tessa lifted her head from Alma’s shoulder and looked up at Scott’s tall father who hummed and nodded. “What did you mean by ‘right now’? You said that right now he’s paralysed, but...”

Joe nodded again. “Well we won’t know exactly what’s going on until the swelling around the damaged area goes down. It could be that once that clears he’ll be fine and his back could just be bruised and the feeling will return and he’ll just have to be careful for a while.” Joe briefly clenched his teeth together before continuing. “It could also be that he has an injury that will take months or years to recover from but that he’ll eventually walk again if he works hard for it. And then…” Joe rubbed his hand over his forehead. “He might never recover and be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. We don’t know which it is, yet.”

Tessa covered her mouth in horror and Alma squeezed her closer.

The door opened and closed again and a petite blonde nurse hovered closer once she saw Alma and Joe.

“Excuse me. Um. He wanted me to pass on a message?”

“Yes?” Joe prompted, kindness for the soft-spoken nurse and a touch of fear in his eyes.

“He wanted to, um, ask that you all go home now. He, he said he will be okay by himself, and that you should go.” From her tone Tessa could tell that those had not been his exact words and that she was reinterpreting them as politely as she could. It was also clear that she was unconvinced of the truthfulness of the message.

“Thank you.” Joe nodded.

The nurse smiled and turned to walk down the hall toward the nurses’ station.

“Like hell.” Danny growled and Tessa nodded her agreement.

“Come on, now.” Joe lifted his chin. “He’s had it rough. We can give him a bit to come to terms.”

Tessa and Danny eyed each other ruefully.

“Besides,” Joe continued and pointed at Danny. “You have a family to be getting back to, and you,” He swapped to Tessa. “I’m sure you have things to do. We won’t know any more for a couple of days in any case.”

Alma joined in, “And we could all do with showers, decent meals, and some rest. Also,” She chuckled at Tessa in an attempt to lighten the mood. “It’s nearly the end of visiting hours so they would have told us to leave soon anyway.”

Tessa and Danny conceded to this and they all readied themselves to leave.

Part way down the corridor, the nurse turned and walked back to them.

“Excuse me,” she began again, her soft voice halting their preparations. “I don’t mean to interfere, but I wanted to make sure you were aware that the couch in his room folds out to a bed.” She twisted her thumbs into the pockets of her pants. “One or two of you are welcome to stay, if you would like.”

“Thank you…” Joe looked at the nurse’s nametag and then smiled at her, “Rebecca.”

“You’re welcome.” Rebecca smiled. “If I can help at all, please just let me know. I- If I don’t know the answer, I’ll find out. I’m sorry, I just started last week.”

“Thank you,” Joe repeated while the others nodded or gave her assuring smiles.

“Okay, then.” She smiled at each of them and left to continue on her way.

“You gonna stay, Mom?” Danny patted her shoulder.

Alma nodded. “Yes. I’ll keep an eye on him.” Her shoulders squared and her chin lifted in determination to shield her injured son from whatever the world might throw at him next.

Tessa bit the inside of her lip. More than anything she wanted to stay.

“Tessa?” Danny prompted.

“I’d like to.” She gripped her bag.

“Well I don’t see why not.” Alma nodded and took hold of Tessa’s elbow while she turned to her husband and son. “Okay, well we’ll see you later. You’ll be back tomorrow?”

“Yep.” Danny nodded and jingled his keys. “Probably in the afternoon.”

Joe agreed but said he’d be back at opening hours.

They waved goodbye each hugging Alma and Tessa.

“Drive safely.” Alma told them, the seriousness in her voice and the situation changing the tone of the common farewell.

They both promised they would be careful and left Alma with her arm back around Tessa’s waist.

“Well.” Alma squeezed her. “Let’s get settled in.”

 

* * *

 

“They said we could stay the night, that alright with you?” Alma’s tone stated she would not accept his refusal.

“Fine.” He clenched his teeth together and refused to look in Tessa’s direction.

Tessa’s brow furrowed and she ignored the tears that pricked at her eyes. He didn’t want her there. He stared up at one of the cords above his bed as Alma busied herself pulling out the couch and arranging it.

“Scott.” Tessa called, her tone begging him to look at her.

He didn’t.

The only acknowledgement that he’d heard her was a strong swallow and bob of his adam’s apple.

Tessa knew very well the signs of him wanting her to leave him alone. Her heart froze and swelled to choke her. No part of her wanted to leave. She knew it was irrational but she couldn’t shake the feeling that if she left something worse would happen to him. As though she might never see him again.

But he didn’t want her here. She had no choice but to honour that and leave.

“Um.” She blinked hard at the tears. “Alma?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m not going to stay after all. I, um, I think you’re right. I need to get a shower and things.” Tessa pressed a palm to her churning stomach.

“Oh.” Alma looked up in surprise. “As long as you’re sure. You’re more than welcome to stay.”

Tessa had no doubt that Alma believed that, her son on the other hand. “No, no, I think I’ll go.” She let her eyes slip back to Scott and caught him looking at her before shifting his gaze back to the cords over his head.

“Scott?” Alma prompted.

“She can do what she likes.” He refused to look at either of them now.

Alma frowned.

Tessa shuffled back toward the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good night.” She retreated through the door, only Alma’s sad smile following her out.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Tessa unlocked her front door and stepped into the silent house. Her keys clinked and slid into the white ceramic bowl on top of the hallway bookshelf. She toed her shoes off and left them by the door, stepping onto her soft carpet in her socks.

She didn’t flick the lights on. For some reason that seemed wrong. Instead she moved through the house by feel and moonlight.

The silence was so loud she let her bags slide to the floor and crossed her living room to fill it with music. One radio station after another offered nothing to matched her mood. She ran through the music on her phone. Nothing. Maybe the silence was preferable after all.

Perhaps later she’d make a ‘your partner nearly died and is lying paralysed in the hospital and doesn’t want to see or talk to you’ playlist.

She lifted her bags once more and carried them around the house depositing the contents into the various rooms to which they belonged. Books and laptop to the small office overlooking the back garden.  Handbag to sit in its usual, though not strictly where it belonged, place on her kitchen bench.

She opened her fridge and stared into the white shelves lit by the small but powerful light. Cold floated out to embrace her. The shelves were mostly empty. Having been at college, she’d thrown out anything that was likely to go off while she’d been gone. Her possibilities for nourishment were limited to mayonnaise, salad dressing, and an unopened box of almond milk. Maybe the pantry would have better suggestions.

The fridge door closed and the seal magnetised. If she tried to open it again now it would be more difficult than if she waited a few seconds. She gave a mental sigh at the useless information that wafted through her mind.

Moving to the pantry she found not much more than in the fridge. Nothing really appetising anyway. Canned peaches? Tinned baby corn? Why did she even have baby corn? She hated the stuff. She closed the pantry and settled for a glass of water, deciding she wasn’t really hungry anyway.

The water waited on her dresser while she rid herself of her jeans and the rest of her clothes. While she didn’t much dwell on it, her body appreciated the change to snuggly pyjamas.

She stared at her bed. Nothing in her wanted to climb between those sheets. As tired as she was, sleep seemed to promise dreams she had no interest in.

Taking her water and her phone, she pulled the top blanket from her bed and padded to the living room. She sat on the couch, arranged the blanket over herself and set the water and her phone on the side table by her elbow.

What to watch became the top most question she would entertain. Colours filtered over her in the darkness as she flipped through Netflix considering show after show.

A loud knock at the door had her jerk upright. Had she been sleeping? She didn’t think she had. Couldn’t remember sleeping. A glance at her phone showed only an hour had passed since she’d sat on the couch. That and one message from her mother that must have shown up a half hour ago asking how she was.

The knock sounded again.

Tessa frowned and extricated herself from the blanket.

She murmured a soft, ‘I’m coming,’ into the dim light as though whoever was outside would hear her. Unlocking the front door, she opened it to find her mother standing on her porch holding a normal shopping bag in one hand, a thermo-lined one in the other, and her hand bag over her shoulder.

“Hi Mom.” Tessa greeted and managed a tiny smile that she hoped was bigger and more inviting than it felt.

She held the door open while Kate moved past her into the entry and gave her a swift kiss on the cheek.

“Hi honey.”

Kate let the bags rest on the floor for a minute while she rid herself of her shoes and coat. She wrapped her arms around Tessa for a firm squeeze and released her to pick up the bags again.

Tessa followed her into the kitchen, where Kate flicked on the light causing her to blink. She watched as her mother pulled grocery item after item out of the bags and set them on the shelves in the fridge and pantry. In comparison to her previously empty shelves, milk, fruit, vegetables, and grains, landed in a veritable cornucopia of food. Lastly Kate pulled out a large container of homemade soup.

“Have you eaten?” Kate retrieved a bowl from a cupboard as though she already knew the answer.

Tessa shook her head.

“Okay.” Kate nodded and poured soup into the bowl. She shifted the bowl to the microwave and the familiar hum filtered into the room.

“So.” Kate turned to Tessa. “How are you, honey?”

Tessa didn’t reply. Instead she wrapped her arms about herself and bit the inside of her lips as her mother’s question launched the wad of pain and fear she’d been keeping firmly in the pit of her stomach into her throat. She swallowed against it and blinked, refusing to look Kate in the eye. If she did, she wouldn’t be able to…

Kate reached for her and wrapped her arms around her as she shook with the effort to contain everything.

“Ohh,” Kate murmured low and comforting in her ears as she rubbed her hands over Tessa’s back. Tessa’s battle for composure was lost under the strength of her mother’s arms. A choked cry escaped her followed by sobs that wracked her body as she clung to her mother.

Kate held on and rocked, murmuring encouragement and soothing as the tears continued to flow and shake Tessa’s body. She felt as though her heart had splintered and was spilling out of her and onto her mother’s top.

As the tide abated for a while and her sobs lessened to soft hiccups and sniffs, Tessa gave her mother a squeeze of thanks and stood away from her a little. She saw Kate’s tear-stained top and smoother her finger tips over the wet splatters on her shoulder.

Her eyes sank in apology. “I’m sorry.”

“Tess, my clothes have been covered in your poop, vomit, and snot. And I can tell you, none of those were as bad from you as they were from your brothers.” Kate teased softly, and wiped more tears from Tessa’s cheeks with her thumbs. “I think I can handle tears.”

Tessa blinked a wet smile.

“Come on.” Kate patted her shoulder. “Eat your soup and then we’ll talk.”

* * *

A while later, soup filling and warming her stomach, Tessa curled up on the couch next to Kate. She told her everything, from first receiving Joe’s phone call to seeing Scott lying in that bed to him waking and not wanting to see her. She poured it all out to her mother who nodded and made appropriate encouraging sounds and comments.

“What do you need from him, honey?” Kate asked with an expression that declared she knew exactly what Tessa needed, but that she wanted her to say it herself.

There were a million things she wanted, but in that moment they all faded into one thing. “A hug.” Tessa smoothed out the blanket on her knees. “I know that’s not really what I should be thinking about. It’s selfish when he’s like that. But somehow it’s…” It was all she wanted.

Kate patted her knee. “You want him to hug you and to know it’s all going to turn out. That’s okay.”

Tessa nodded. She did want that. But more than that, which she suspected her mother knew and was simply refraining from saying. She wanted his arms around her, holding her tight. Safe. Secure. Protected. His hands splayed over her back, one rising to grip her neck, his fingers massaging and pressing against the back of her head and her throat.

She wanted to wind her arms around his back, her forehead cradled against his throat or chin hugging his shoulder. She wanted to feel his back beneath her hands, to hold him tight with her arms, to feel him breathe against her chest. To protect him. To keep him safe.

But she couldn’t. He didn’t want that. He wanted… She wasn’t quite sure what he actually wanted. He wanted to be left alone, that was clear. But why?

“I know it’s not the same,” Kate reached to rub Tessa’s shoulder. “But will you accept a mom hug instead?”

Tessa smiled and leaned forward as Kate pulled her close.

“Mom hugs are the best.” She whispered over Kate’s shoulder. They both knew the truth and limitations of that statement.

Tessa pulled her arms back to herself and shifted to lie her head on Kate’s lap. She was rewarded with a calm hand smoothing the hair back from her face and playing with the long strands. Kate’s other hand patted and stroked steady rhythms over her shoulder and hip. Tessa sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, only to be greeted with the image of Scott lying in the wreckage of his car. Sometimes a good imagination was a curse. She stared at the edge of the coffee table and the vase of flowers it held instead.

They stayed in silence for a while, one stroking, the other being stroked. The soft sounds from the TV, a fraction above mute, crept toward them.

“Is this really the best choice to watch right now?” Kate asked and Tessa blinked away from the flowers and up at the screen.

Jamie Dornan pulled a black balaclava over his face and murdered a woman on her bed.

“I guess not.” Tessa murmured. “I wasn’t really watching.”

In truth she’d chosen it because it had no connection to Scott for her. He neither liked nor disliked the show. They’d never even discussed it. Tessa had found it as she had scrolled through the options, throwing out one after the other for those reasons.

“Why don’t you go and get some sleep?” She patted Tessa’s shoulder. “I’ll stay here till you drop off.”

“Are you sure?” Tessa twisted to look up at her. It would be easier to sleep with her mother around. Even if just for tonight. “But you have work tomorrow.” It wouldn’t work. She couldn’t put her problems onto her mother and have her barely able to function as she needed to tomorrow.

Kate brushed a hand over Tessa’s forehead and into her hair. “It’s Saturday tomorrow, honey.”

“Oh.”

Tessa’s brow furrowed as she tried to count the days and remember where she was. When was the last time she knew what the day was? She wasn’t sure. At some point the concept of days had broken. They were too large. It was as though only smaller blocks of time were manageable. Minutes, and on occasion hours. A day. A day was too big. Tessa sighed and rolled up to stand. It wasn’t like it mattered anyway.

“Then, I’d like that. Thank you.”

Kate smiled and shook her head.

“It’s no problem, as you well know. Come on.” Kate stood and patted Tessa to move toward her bedroom.

Tessa obeyed and as she crawled beneath the cool sheets, Kate tucked them firmly in around her.

“Sleep well, Tessie.” Kate kissed her temple and Tessa let her eyes drift closed and the wave of sleep to drag her into unconsciousness.

* * *

A day passed.

 

And another.

 

And another.

 

And then, it had been a week.

* * *

Each day saw Tessa rise, make her way back to the hospital where Alma would hug her and give her a sad shake of her head. He still refused to see her.

Tessa would then wander the halls of the hospital, making her way to the café on the ground floor where she would order a coffee and settle herself at the table in the corner beneath a painting of a waterfall. She’d take out a book and start reading. And there she would stay until the café closed. Reading, ordering more coffee, and checking her phone periodically for messages from Alma or, her heart tightened in hope, Scott.

She had come across the café on the Saturday after waking to find her mother gone and having left an affectionate note of flowery writing tucked next to a covered bowl of muesli waiting for milk, and a banana. Having met Alma and discovering Scott continued to refuse to see her, Tessa had tried to wander the streets of London, looking into her favourite shops. Her heart hadn’t been in it and soon she had made her way back to the hospital. Even though she couldn’t be with him, she saw no harm in being close by. Her heart had applauded this idea as well. Looking for a good place to settle into, she’d found this café. After a couple of days, it became apparent that others also used the space as a regular place of refuge and waiting.

An elderly couple who would order small coffees and a slice of whatever cake was on sale that day to share between them.  He wore a tan cardigan, she wore a matching one of soft pink over a night gown to match her slippers.

A woman with a fondness for lilac, both the colour and floral scent. She peered down through chained glasses at her phone and gossip magazines while she ate carrot cake and drank cappuccinos. Whenever she looked at anyone she would tilt her head with that snooty air of people who were particularly farsighted.

A man with a close-trimmed beard. Tessa judged him to be in his early thirties. He was partial to large americanos, dark coloured cable knitwear, and crime novels. He had a habit of either leaning forward on his elbow with a fist to his temple or slouching back into his chair, long legs stretched out and the hand not holding his book resting over his chest and under his arm.

It was odd. Tessa and these people never spoke to each other. She didn’t know any of their names and she suspected they didn’t know each other’s either. Yet whenever their eyes met they would soften in that odd acceptance and encouragement of people who recognised someone going through hard times similar to their own.

“No! Dad, I can do it!”

Tessa startled out of her book and looked up to see a little girl in butterfly covered pyjamas hobbling closer on child-sized crutches. One of her pants legs was folded neatly and pinned out of her way, displaying the absence of one of her legs below her knee.

She frowned in concentration down at the floor. As she hobbled closer to Tessa she spun off balance. Tessa leapt out of her chair just in time to catch her under her arms as she fell.

“I’m sorry!” The girl squeaked in fright, dismay, and annoyance at her own ineptitude.

“It’s okay,” Tessa assured her, setting her back to stand on her own. “Are your crutches new?”

“Yep. I just got them.” She looked down, with a frown she swung the one beside her foot in an arc. “I’m practicing,” She mumbled.

“You’re doing really well,” Tessa assured her. “Crutches are hard.”

“I guess.” The girl nodded. Then as if remembering her manners she tucked her crutch more firmly under her right armpit and held out her hand. “I’m Sara.”

“Hi Sara,” Tessa smiled and shook the small hand. “I’m Tessa. It’s lovely to meet you.”

“You too.” Sara grinned. “That’s my dad.” Sara swung her hand in the direction of the crime novel fan. He was currently ordering coffee. His body was turned side on toward them and he looked over periodically. To make sure Sara wasn’t getting into any trouble, Tessa supposed.

“Oh.” Tessa nodded, uncertain what more she was meant to say.

“What’s wrong with you?” Sara asked, swaying a little on her crutches.

Tessa’s brow scrunched in confusion at the abrupt question. “Excuse me?”

“Why are you here?” Sara tried again.

_Oh_. Tessa thought. Almost everyone she meets here must have something ‘wrong’ with them.

“It’s not me. I’m just visiting.” Tessa considered how to explain. “My friend is hurt.”

“Oh.” Sara nodded wisely. “That’s too bad.”

“Yes, it is.” Tessa gave her a sad smile.

A clutter of crockery signalled cups and saucers being placed on a table nearby. A deep voice called, “Sara.”

Both Sara and Tessa looked up. Crime novel man was standing and depositing his wallet and phone onto the table beside his coffee. His usual americano and a matching mug topped off with a dusting of chocolate and looking very much like a cappuccino was set to the chair across from his.

“Hi,” He greeted Tessa. “I’m David.”

“Tessa.” Tessa smiled and shook his offered hand.

“I hope she wasn’t any bother.”

“Oh.  Not at all.” Tessa waved and smiled. She tried to stop her eyes from sliding to the mug he’d clearly bought his daughter. What sort of a parent gave such a small child caffeine.

“It’s milk.” David commented, obviously having read the direction of her thoughts. “Missy here likes her drinks like a lady.”

“It’s a cappuccino.” Sara informed, her small nose rising proudly into the air a little ways.

David hummed agreement and smirked with the air of a father who had succeeded in making his child happy while still not giving her something he thought she shouldn’t have. He patted her shoulder.

“Would you like to join us for coffee?” Sara invited politely.

“Oh, I don’t, I–“ Tessa looked between Sara’s hopeful expression and David’s carefully blank one, trying to work out what she wanted to do and how best to not offend or overstep.

In a perfectly timed rescue, Tessa’s phone buzzed against her table behind her. She turned to discover a message from Alma which had Tessa’s chest relax in momentary relief.

“ _Are you still in the hospital? Can you come to the room?_ ” It read.

Tessa’s eyes widened. Maybe he’d relented. At last! Tessa tried not to look too happy at the prospect of missing coffee with Sara and her dad as she turned back to them to make her thanks and apologies.

“That’s okay.” David nodded. “Perhaps another time.”

“Of course,” Tessa saw no harm in the vague promise and she gave Sara a parting smile.

She scooped up her book and bag and made her way out of the café, checking her phone and rereading Alma’s message for any clue of what was going on. She considered replying but figured by the time Alma read it, she’d already be there.

The elevator seemed to take forever to carry her up the floors and as soon as it dinged open she walked as swiftly as hospital rules would allow over the shining cold floor.

Alma stood with Joe and Charlie outside Scott’s room.

“Oh good! Tessa, you’re here.” Alma reached a hand toward her and Tessa took it with a curious smile.

“What’s going on?” She smiled a greeting at Charlie and returned his quick squeeze of a hug. She wondered when he’d arrived.

“Just got here this afternoon.” He read the query in her eyes and informed her. “Had some work things to tie up, but now I’m here for, well, as long as I can.”

“The doctor was just here.” Joe interrupted, wanting to jump to the more relevant information.

“Oh?” Tessa leaned toward him.

“He said Scott’s swelling has gone down. He’s well on the way to healing so the doctor could find out more.” Joe offered the details. He shrugged his hand across his chest and up under his arm pits, fixing Tessa with a serious eye.

“It’s not good. But it’s not the worst either. It’s an incomplete spinal injury.” The phrase pushed from Joe’s mouth as though he were still getting used to saying words he hadn’t heard or spoken strung together until now. “Means he should heal okay and there’s a possibility he’ll be able to walk again, but he’ll have to do a lot of work for it.”

“Oh!” Tessa breathed as though a heavy weight had been removed from her. Even the possibility of recovery was a relief. “How is he? How did he take it?”

Charlie grunted. “Not too well.”

Tessa looked at him in surprise.

“He let you in?” Tessa couldn’t stop the pain from edging into her voice. She looked down at her shoes.

“What do you mean?” Charlie raised a curious eyebrow.

“He’s seen everyone else, but he still refuses to see Tessa.” Alma sighed.

“Well, that’s stupid.” Charlie declared.

“No, it’s not.” Tessa shook her head and gave what she hoped was an understanding smile to the other three. “He should get what he needs right now. And right now, that isn’t me.”

Alma frowned in concern and neither she nor Joe looked as though they believed she was really okay with that.

“Nope. That’s stupid.” Charlie declared. Before anyone could stop him he grabbed Tessa’s elbow and yanked her through the door and into Scott’s room. The patient in question started, eyes wide at the intrusion and Tessa pulled at Charlie’s arm, begging for freedom. Charlie ignored her and held her firmly in the room.

“You need her. She needs you.” Charlie jabbed a finger at his younger brother and nodded toward Tessa. “So talk, and don’t be an ass.”

 With that he tugged Tessa to the chair beside Scott’s bed and pushed her down into it. He then stalked from the room with a glower that would have sent his children scurrying to behave. The door closed and Tessa could see the back of his head hovering through the small window. It was clear he wouldn’t allow her to escape until he was satisfied that they’d done as instructed.

Tessa looked apologetically at Scott. He swiftly looked away from her and stared at the ceiling. That got her ire up.

“You still won’t even look at me?” The hurt and all the fear she’d felt for him over the past week tinged her voice. She hugged her bag in her lap.

Scott closed his eyes tight and furrowed his brow.

Tears pricked her eyes.

“What did I do wrong?” She swallowed, her voice quiet. “I–“

Scott cut her off with a sigh and grumble of frustration. “It’s not you. Why would it be you? You always think it’s you.”

“Well, why wouldn’t I?” Anger started to overtake the hurt in her heart. “You let everyone in but me! What’s wrong with me?”

“It’s me, Tess!” Scott threw his fists against the bed and winced as the force of them jolted his body. “It’s me, alright! Not you! For fu–” He drifted off and then repeated in a quieter tone as he rubbed a hand over his face. “It’s not you.”

“Then why won’t you let me in?” Tessa crossed her arms over her chest and frowned in disbelief.

“I couldn’t– I didn’t…” Scott sighed and mumbled in quiet admission. “I couldn’t face you.”

“What? Why?” Tessa leaned forward, reaching for one of his hands. Gratitude and relief swept over her when he unfurled his fist and wrapped his fingers around hers.

“I’ve ruined everything, Tess.” Tears welled in his eyes.

“Oh.” Tessa pressed her lips together and gripped his hand tighter. “No, you didn’t. We hadn’t decided if we were going back or not.”

“But you should have gotten to make the choice, not be forced–“ He stopped tears choking him.

Tessa shook her head, dismissing his concern for her as immaterial. “In any case. It’s not your fault. It’s that drunk driver’s fault.”

“No, I’m an idiot.” Scott swallowed and drew a deep breath. “Sure, he hit me, but I’m the one who didn’t secure the planks properly.”

The words spoken out loud brought fresh tears to his eyes and this time he couldn’t stop the sobs from escaping in a great wad of responsibility and pain.

“Shh-shh. It’s fine. You’re fine, we’ll get through it. And you _aren’t_ an idiot.”

“Am. Tess.”

Tessa climbed up onto the bed next to him and stretched out. She wiped at his tears and kissed his cheeks. “You’re not.” She settled her arms around him and hugged as close as she dared, careful not to shift him.

He tugged fistfuls of her sweater and buried his tears beneath her neck. He mumbled sorrys over and over again as she shushed and held him, assuring him she didn’t blame him for any of it.

Her words became whispers as her own tears choked her. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Her tears fell to mix with his. Fear for the future, anger that it had happened, wanting to join Danny and Charlie in tracking down the stupid drunk driver, sadness at seeing Scott so upset, wishing and wishing she could fix it all for him.

And above all, she felt bad. Bad because he was in so much pain and torment and yet a part of her heart was blissfully happy that his arms were once again wrapped around her.

Neither heard the door creak softly open and close again. Outside Charlie nodded to Alma and Joe and all three left to waiting in the nearby seating area. Alma commented that she considered Charlie’s actions to have been overkill, but as they seemed to have worked, she was grateful.


End file.
